"I’m in love with cities I’ve never been to and people I’ve never met.."
This is all about me, and my life taken a little less seriously..
A mishmash of thoughts from the diaries of a chick who don't intend to please anybody with my posts. I've very few re-blogs, some edited pictures, quotes, music and all things in between. All posts are mine unless otherwise stated.
And so it began.. It's a little too late to save me now.
Some find peace in lying underneath the stars, counting them all night, and making wishes on the ones that fall. It may not seem like it but I am one of those. There’s comfort in watching how those little glittery stuff shine across the night sky.
Lately I don’t need to go somewhere to look up at the stars. Sometimes the stars are right in front of me. It’s when you look at that person, and you see him smiling and all you do is stare and slowly smile back. Suddenly, you start to heal. Suddenly your past isn’t so bad after all. Suddenly, you feel that the broken pieces are starting to be put back together.
In a way, it gives me hope. Maybe it’s not gonna be so bad to fall for this person. Maybe he really is gonna be different. But I’m still scared as fuck. I’ve gone too far way too many times in the past and I have risked more than what I could afford to lose. I don’t think I’m willing to go that far again. It’s hard to take risks when your feelings are at stake.
He said we’re in no rush and I completely agree. We can take things slow, and I have no problem with it. The problem is I know myself all too well. I know that the longer I stay, the more I risk myself in falling too deep. The scariest part is what if he don’t feel the same? What if the more he get to know me, the more I push him away?
I’m anything but normal. I’m not the girl-next-door type. I’m known to try my luck on many things and I’m also known to fail. Hell, I’m a fucking failure, I have always been. I’m trying to cover it up by not giving a fuck anymore. I mean my own parent have given up on me a long time ago and the only person who never did is already dead so fuck them right? I have the fucking attitude, I kill people I hate using the words I write and I hate them even more. Who would love someone as spiteful as me?
Still it would be nice to sit beside my constellation, talk and laugh for hours, and live like it’s the last day of our lives. The stars must have landed on his eyes because I see them every time he smiles. My entire life has been all about being angry that’s why it’s a nice feeling to smile even when there’s nothing in particular to smile about.
I am unsure of where this is going, but as I write this, here are the things I AM sure of:
And boy am I glad I did. Because it made room for someone better to come along.
You’d really recognize a complete idiot when you see one. Of course she’ll take you back, you nitwit. What other choice does she have? A not-so-pretty married woman nearing her 40s, with 3 kids don’t have much of a choice but to NOT give up on her cheating husband. Women like her don’t care about self-respect anymore. If she was able to bear 6 fucking years of sharing her husband with another woman, what’s another lifetime of trying to make it work for the kids, right?
I stared at her profile for a long time, in hopes of feeling any pain like I did before. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt that much anymore. I won’t lie to myself and say I didn’t feel anything. There’s a little bit of hurt I would admit, although it’s more of a hurt in my ego.
It’s not like I want him to suffer longer, I’ve said I wish to see him happy because I am happy now and I really do mean it. My ego is just quite bruised with how everything I have predicted have actually happened. I will feel less bad if he didn’t say otherwise. Not that it matters now, I’m only saying he could’ve spared us both from the lies because nothing can ever change my mind at that time.
This is when you realize how stupid you were before and thankful you are over it right now. It feels good to think I finally did something right. I’ve mixed emotions to be honest. Happy that he’s no longer suffering from the pain I have caused him. Happy that their relationship has survived the storm and now it made them stronger. Happy that the kids can grow up with both parents. The sad part is the harsh realization of what my purpose had been: I came in their lives to test them. That was it.
Now it’s time to close the book and start a new chapter. I will start over and this time, I want to do it right and I want to really mean something to someone. Who knows this someone might be just around the corner? Cheers.
These are merely puddles I am playing with my toes. Nothin’ serious. Not worth the effort of giving it too much thought. Maybe I should consider , or maybe not at this point in time. Tis’ too early to tell, if it starts to build up around my knees, I would start to get alarmed but I ain’t there yet. Wouldn’t let it get that far anyway. I know now how quickly waters can turn into an ocean.
I’ll admit I have this thought at the back of my head that maybe this time it’s gonna be different but then again there are warning signs everywhere. How can you be so sure? It’s really hard to tell. Hard to know what would make that person different than the rest you have been with. Besides, when you allow yourself to dive deep into the raging waters, you tend to lose your head to some place where you might not find it again. Better be careful.
It would be nice though, if I were to be completely honest with myself. Beneath this tough facade is someone too scared to even jump puddles but wanting to bad to reach out. She always says she don’t need anyone yet only part of it is true. She prefers to be alone but having someone whom she can sit with and talk to would be nice once in awhile. Everyone needs this , I think. When times are rough, we all need to have that one person we wanna talk to. They don’t have to tell you things are gonna be OK because we’re mature enough to know that things are NOT OK, and they might never be OK for a long period of time. What matters most is to feel listened to.
When you keep things inside, they build up and when they do, you drown. So now we’re back to the concept of waters turning into oceans. When small things accumulate, they turn into greater things. If it’s for the better then it’s good but if it leads to self-destruction then be smart enough to jump ships. Control your emotions as needed. You’ll be surprised to realize how emotions could be so strong when they get a hold of you so don’t. Don’t ever let it get you.
I make more room for hesitations than assumptions. I’ve become doubtful that people may not actually mean what they say or the other way around. I think as long as I keep this doubt in me, I’ll be fine. And besides, what’s the worst that could happen?
I never wished for any of this, believe me. I never wished to shatter your world, your life and your heart. Maybe I am born to do this, you see. Maybe I am born to destroy good things and nurture the bad.
If I could have it any other way, I would just to not see your world falling apart. You have no idea how I wanted to take all your pain and pass it on to me because I can handle it, I’ve been through worse. I heal fast, it’s like the more I get wounded, the quicker I heal. Don’t ask how it happened, I cannot recall. All I know is I don’t let any pain linger longer than they should. There’s just no fucking way I would ever get hurt again.
I have warned you beforehand but still, I don’t blame you. I thought you could change me, well in a way, you almost did. I began to hope and believe again. It was not your fault alone, I am a culprit too I am taking most of the blame. We had it, we were there, we simply let each others past consume the present. We let it get in the way.
It was no longer happy. It was no longer hopeful. It did not turn out to what I imagined it to be. I guess some things are like that, aren’t they? It’s funny how you think you have everything planned. It’s funny how something comes up to turn everything around. Worst part is, you’ll never know how or when it’s gonna happen.
Please don’t get me wrong, I know it would have been worth the fight. Unfortunately, what I know and what I feel are two different things.